Cover image: "The Heart of a Poet" by Hank Cunnington
Gallery 1
Soldered Sugar
Rebecca Faulkner
Housekeeping
I place a scalding iron against my palm
to see whether I can flatten myself further.
Welts spring between life-line & wrist, pink
& furious as the fledgling my daughter
found at the bottom of our driveway
mouth opening and closing for no-one.
Is this what you call resilience?
I have outlived three of these women artists
is what preoccupies me at two a.m. as I try
to write their lives in UPPERCASE against
the anvil edge of my anxiety. Had I known
it would be this hard I would have used
different font; a knife instead of an iron.
Perhaps I have outlived myself.
In dreams I see the back of my grandmother’s
head as she turns away from the world, jet
black curls pulled tight in a sensible bun.
Dragging her depression through marriage
& war, I’m told she was stoic. It’s true
I inherited my family’s fear of long-division
her preoccupation with death.
I continue to write letters I will never send
wake at dawn to run my route in the woods
near the reservoir. When the sun hits
my wrists, my iron burns turn the color
of dogwood blossoms clogging our storm
drain, ripe with beauty until you look closer
realize they are long past saving.
Rebecca Faulkner is a London-born poet based in Brooklyn. She is the author of Permit Me to Write My Own Ending (Write Bloody Publishing, 2023), which was a finalist for the 2024 Sheila Margaret Motton Book Prize. Her work appears in New York Quarterly, The Maine Review, The Poetry Society of New York, CALYX Press, Berkeley Poetry Review and elsewhere. She is a 2023 poetry recipient of the Barbara Deming Memorial Fund for Women, the winner of Black Fox Literary Magazine’s 2023 Writing Contest, and the 2022 winner of Sand Hills Literary Magazine’s National Poetry Contest. Rebecca was a 2021 Poetry Fellow at the Saltonstall Foundation for the Arts. She holds a BA in English Literature & Theatre Studies from the University of Leeds, an MA in Performance Studies from NYU, and a Ph.D. from the University of London. Website: www.rebeccafaulknerpoet.com
Melissa Knox Evans
Melissa Knox Evans lives and works in Oxford, UK. Her poetry has appeared or is forthcoming in New York Quarterly, Barzakh Magazine, Stoneboat Literary Journal, The Write Launch, Cathexis Northwest Press, Inklette, The Banyan Review, Hare’s Paw Journal, Equinox Journal, and elsewhere. X: @miaevev
Laura McDermott Matheric
Within
Something in me
Growing bigger every day
It’s taking over
I cannot make it go away
—Peter Gabriel
I feel something growing within you,
a tendril creeping from one sunless root.
You’ve discovered something about me too,
something I didn’t know.
I want to spit these words
like watermelon seeds
and rain them on the summer scorched ground.
I’ve learned my breath can stall
when the heart rushes ahead.
I get lost in the motions, things I do to survive.
You opened a door into possible risks,
but no assurances.
I want to step over the threshold.
I want my stomach,
a Celtic knot,
to unwind in your invitation
I never had the pleasure
of knowing yet.
You coax a measured flood,
scatter my exhalations.
I’m losing track of my breath,
with every excruciating heartbeat.
We’ve lived in separate secret worlds
for some time and suddenly
when these doors open
it’s the only growth that makes sense.
Laura McDermott Matheric’s first book of poetry, Visions on Alligator Alley, was published by Lominy Books in 2015. A Professor of English, Laura regularly teaches writing workshops and literature courses at Broward College and throughout the community. Recent publications include The Closed Eye Open, The Sad Girl Diaries, Purple Ink Press, and Chameleon Chimera. She was appointed the first Poet Laureate of the City of Coconut Creek in 2022, first of any municipality in Broward County, Florida. She holds an M.F.A. in Creative Writing from Florida International University, and currently, Laura is pursuing her Ph.D. in Higher Educational Leadership and Research Methodology at Florida Atlantic University.
Marc Frazier
Marc Frazier has published poetry in well over a hundred literary journals and is listed in Poets & Writers Directory of Writers. He is the recipient of an Illinois Arts Council Award for poetry. Marc has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize and two “best of the nets.” He’s gone on to continually publish poetry, essays, flash fiction, fiction, book reviews, and memoir, particularly in online literary journals. His fourth full-length collection of poetry is If It Comes to That by Kelsay Books, available as paperback or e-book. Marc, a Chicago-area, LGBTQ writer, transplanted to Fort Lauderdale, is active on social media, particularly on Facebook. Website: marcfrazierwrites.com / Instagram: @mcfj24 / X: @marcfrazier45
Melissa Hughes
Stranded
Walking the charcoal pebbly beach, I found him — big
as a shipping container, gray-black and nearly dead, gulls
standing vigil in the waning violet light. His eye
above mine, watching the sky. What if to breathe,
he asks me, you must leave
the only place you can call home?
I rested my hands on his side, imagined breaching
for each breath before diving deep again. Maybe
he grew tired of the repetition,
the distances, the work of living. Maybe
he climbed the continental slope to be closer to the sky,
the space between glistening surface and ocean floor
narrowing like a wedge. Maybe
this is how our world grows thin.
Melissa Hughes studies birdsong and shrimp snaps in Charleston, South Carolina. She is currently pursuing an MFA at the College of Charleston, where she also teaches biology and animal behavior. She has a PhD in Zoology from Duke University; her work has appeared in Humana Obscura and has won the Julia Fonville Smithson Memorial Prize for Poetry. She is currently trying to learn the names of all the weeds in her yard.
Bleah Patterson
when everything feels like grief
Just like firsts, there’s a last time for everything and I’ve found I’m deeply invested in hoarding them high as the ceiling, turning sideways to shuffle between a box of “that night with the cheeseburger that had too many pickles, when i licked the juice off of your fingers, where you ate my too salty fries” or “every sunday when we laughed too hard, made impressions of all of the people we loved and all of the people we pitied and held each other when laughter turned to tears” past the laundry basket spilling over, the “no” the “i hate you” the “i never want to see you again” that materialized into forever before we could take it back, the “i want to spend every single friday night with you on the roof until we die,” and the “i love you more than coffee, more than air conditioning during an east texas summer, more than reruns of tv shows from hotel beds” that were tested, that were left wrinkled and forgotten at the bottom, and I find that while I’m washing dishes I’m cataloging my collection of the last plans we made, the concert, the birthday, that trip to the duck pond, they hang in the air, light shooting through dust falling on the sheet-covered mirror, ottoman, dresser of knowing you, spending so much time with you, filling a scrapbook with all of our firsts that we almost forgot to save the best for last.
Bleah Patterson is a southern, queer writer born and raised in Texas. A current MFA candidate and writing professor, she is a Pushcart nominee, and her various genres of work are featured or forthcoming in Barely South, Write or Die, phoebe, The Texas Review, Milk Press, Beaver Magazine, Across the Margins, Electric Literature, Queerlings, Hayden’s Ferry Review, and elsewhere.
Timothy Geiger
Animals in the Dark
There is no solace in what I want
anymore. I conjure the moonless field
from the odor of milkweed and alfalfa,
morning frost the only shimmering
I set foot into, of course I know my way.
Day after day, I rise in this dark,
dress and go out to feed the animals—
the goats, chickens, ducks, and pigs
that share this farm. Sometimes
the wind burns my cheeks, an estuary
of desire and misdirection all around.
I feel my age in the rush at my temples,
each five-gallon bucket of water
groans when I stand. By now, my spine
despises everything about me, but
of course, there is no turning back.
Has everything always been moving
to here, this patch of land in the country,
or just away from the city lights,
cars angry at one another over nothing
more than space, prowlers hiding behind
their parked shadows, house cats
left out to slaughter birds? Thirty acres
across the corn stubble to my east
the neighbor’s lights flicker on. I hear
but don’t see the dog at the fence line
chasing a rabbit or field mouse back
into the underbrush, so I keep moving
till I’m opening the barn door. This
is exactly what I wanted—surrounded
by hungry mouths, a waking din
of perplexed, demanding noises.
Pressing into the back of my legs,
pleading underfoot, pulling me down
till I too am buried in the rough hay
that serves as their nightly beds.
After sunrise, they will all go to pasture
with full bellies and muddy snouts,
beaks that poke and turn the wet clay
for stray slugs or snails, but for now,
in the easy dark that surrounds
and embraces us, they devour me.
Timothy Geiger is the author of the poetry collections Weatherbox (winner of the 2019 Vern Rutsala Poetry Prize from Cloudbank Books), The Curse of Pheromones (Main Street Rag Press) and Blue Light Factory (Spoon River Poetry Press), along with ten chapbooks, most recently Holler (APoGee Press, 2021). His work has received a Pushcart Prize XVII and a Holt, Rinehart and Winston Award in Literature, as well as many state and local grants from Ohio, Minnesota and Alabama. He runs a small farm in Northwest Ohio raising goats, chickens, ducks, and pigs; is the proprietor of Aureole Press, a letterpress imprint publishing contemporary poetry; and teaches Creative Writing and Book Arts at The University of Toledo. Website: timothygeiger.weebly.com
Victoria Mullen
Victoria Mullen is a frustrated time traveler. She adores color and enjoys writing, photography, thunderstorms in summertime, and a most excellent cup of coffee. She attributes her creative passions to her Greek heritage and the Nine Muses, who played, sang, and danced, and inspired others to do the same. See her photography in upcoming issues of Beyond Words, The Word’s Faire (in The FEAST print issue), Cool Beans Lit, and Chariot Press Literary Journal, as well as on her website at catboycafe.com.
Katherine Hauswirth
Remembering the Tenders
I know I will sweat and wilt in this late July heat, but with determination I set up my canvas camp chair just outside a cordoned-off stretch of yellow-fringed orchids.
The low chair lets me be as close as I can to the orchids without crossing their protective barrier. I have trouble kneeling and crouching, and with the chair I can be at arm’s length while in relative comfort.
Behind me, overlooking the patch, is a rough-hewn, irregular stone seat, mounted on two fat stone rectangles. It boasts a gold and black inset—the only part of the oversized bench mostly untouched by gray medallions of lichen. The plaque commemorates a husband and wife “who tended the orchids,” with lifespans marked below their names: Donald, 1919–2002, Dorothy, 1923–2011. I didn’t know them, but I am intrigued by their memorial bench.
I’ve seen two other local spots with dedications to Donald. One is a bald cypress tree—rather uncommon in Connecticut—with a plaque bearing his name. The second is a bench at Gardiner’s Landing park that reads, “In memory of the respected botanist who enriched our community with laughter and his love of plants.”
These yellow-fringed orchids, Platanthera ciliaris, are cordoned off because they are rare for this region (although common in the Southeast United States). In fact, they are endangered here in Connecticut, as well as Rhode Island. They are just three miles from my home, at Winthrop Cemetery—land that holds the remains of Revolutionary War soldiers and community contemporaries alike.
I’d heard about these orchids for some time. This summer, seeing flashes of orange as I drove by, I made a hasty U-turn to check them out. It didn’t take much sleuthing to confirm their identity, aided by a U.S. Forest Service page dedicated to the species. Platanthera ciliaris has bright yellow to orange flowers with distinctive, fringed lips. The blooms grow in clusters, and the plant likes sunny, wet areas. Maybe all the rain encouraged the emergence of so many this summer. They dot the large rectangle of protected space with pops of color.
I initially thought Donald “discovered” these uncommon blooms at the cemetery, but I learn through a decades-old Hartford Courant article that he, in his other role as local historian, learned about the orchids from a 1976 book about the cemetery’s Revolutionary War soldiers. The book mentions two sections where the orchids were known to dwell. These days, it seems, we are down to just the one.
I sit and observe from my low seat, trying to adopt a botany lens as Donald might have. Their shape looks alien, different from the limited range of orchids I have seen. One familiar type is the lady’s slipper, which has a look of substance owing to its impressive pink pouch of a flower. The other types I have seen, potted orchids often given as gifts, look simultaneously spare—in the way that bonsais strike an artful and commanding line—and flamboyant, with their colorful and shapely blooms.
These orchids are different. Each plant sports bulbous-looking, rounded projections arranged in a spiky-looking pattern atop a tall, slender stem. Despite the “yellow” in the plant’s common name, these buds are a decided orange. Each specimen has, on the lower flowers of its cluster, feathery-looking projections—the fringed “lips” I read about. The stems have a pinstriped look, and skinny leaves in a lighter green hue hug each of them, pointing toward the sky.
This species likes either partial shade or full sun, and the patch has both criteria covered, according to where you’re sitting. They should be protected from slugs, snails, and cutworms, but is someone watching for these threats now that Donald and Dorothy are gone? These plants can also fall prey to withering, wilting, leaf rot, and the ominous-sounding black spot pathogen. I find this list exhausting and worrisome, and start wondering what else could befall the patch, whose sole guard is a low perimeter of rope. Might hungry deer prance in and consume the whole collection one day?
My gaze wanders across the patch. I watch a black swallowtail butterfly hovering over one orchid. I also spot a large, yellow butterfly—likely an Eastern tiger swallowtail. Butterflies, especially swallowtails, are the primary pollinators of this species.
I don’t see much insect activity beyond these looping visitors, and I’m noticing the same trend in the wider world. A Biological Conservation article says 40 percent of all insect species are declining globally. A third are endangered. This year, I’ve been watching for monarch butterflies, who carry this statistic heavily on their long-distance migrating wings. I jumped with delight to spot just a single monarch recently at a local preserve. I watch our milkweeds at home with anticipation of finding monarch eggs, but I fear our window for seeing the imperiled orange and black visitors may have closed for the year.
Were Donald and Dorothy noticing these changes, too, as they tended the orchids and appreciated the flora—and by association, fauna—here?
Seeking wise words to help me in the face of worry about our warming world, I find some encouragement in an Emergence Magazine interview with Dara McAnulty, an author, naturalist, and conservationist who published Diary of a Young Naturalist when he was just 16:
I feel like that joy we so desperately need is something that we need in order to solve all the crises that are coming in . . . if we solve the problems because of wonder, because of joy, because we care, that’s a lot more permanent . . . I absolutely know that things that give us joy in this world, especially the natural world, are essential for everything.
Even as I mentally build a litany of concerns, joy finds me during my time at Winthrop Cemetery. It radiates out from the cache of orange blooms that drew me here and now calls me to look, listen, touch, and sniff beyond their immediate orbit.
After an hour in the camp chair, I stand, stretch, and look around. I make a loose inventory of the other plants in among the Platanthera, knowing names for some and having no clue about others. Young oaks and maples are starting their lives here, with sweat bees using their leaves as landing strips. I notice some tall, green grasses reminiscent of wheat. I am pleased when, looking to the right, I can recall the name for daisy fleabanes, boasting yellow centers and light purple petals.
I walk and wonder what else I will find. The earth answers with small sassafras trees and spongy clusters of low, white, and frilly lichens—reindeer moss or something akin to it. A tree stump has started a terrarium, with a mixed community of low, flowerless growths in an impressive spectrum of greens. Near it, flat mushrooms that look like perfectly grilled pancakes stand in a trio. Two-foot-tall ferns—ostriches, I think—rise above the masses. Some tiny family of creatures has been skeletonizing many plant leaves, leaving only a fragile network of veins.
Walking on, I enter a welcome state of immersion, reveling in the vast variety of creatures on this modest parcel. I move farther from the patch and its attendant bench, finding roundleaf brier and Virginia creeper in spades. On a sun-warmed leaf, I catch two shimmering Japanese beetles in flagrante delicto.
Swamp milkweeds poke up from a pondside tangle cluttered with ferns and grasses. On the rim of the pond, I see young cattails, their shoots still green and low, alongside “old geezers” who have completely fluffed out. Clover has its usual haphazard run of the lawn.
I watch a small, orange butterfly with brown edges land on plantain, and for a while I follow its restless flight from plant to plant. A stripey green damselfly makes an appearance, alongside a pale beauty moth. Yuccas overtake the eroding stone for someone who died in 1904.
I notice how many gravestones include botanical images—ivy leaves, oak leaves, laurels, whole weeping willows. I also recall how, in early spring, colorful clusters of squat ephemeral flowers wound their way between the markers in the oldest section, echoing a reminder of “here today, gone the next” while simultaneously radiating an infinite beauty.
If I had met Donald and Dorothy here, would they have taught me about the plants as we walked? And if they had, how much would I have retained? I waffle between wanting to collect more knowledge and wanting to simply appreciate what I see, perfectly content to not know the names for each floral creature.
Circling back to the bench, I see that a squirrel must have been enjoying a hickory nut as he perched there, no doubt seeing the orchids as he finished his snack. Did he feel any need to name them?
I sit on the hard granite, taking a moment to thank Donald and Dorothy for their lives. I have found joy and perhaps some beginnings of wisdom in trying to view this place through the botanist perspective I imagine they both favored. Seeing how an array of creatures coexists on even this modest spit of land has made me want to see more, to learn more, and also to protect what is still managing to thrive.
Fascinating as my botanical morning has been, it occurs to me that the life of a botanist, even a very amateur botanist like me, is not easy. I am sweating, mosquitoes are biting me with hungry fervor, and I have to pee. I lose my mood for precise observation not long after these bodily alarms start to cry out in unison. I decide I’ll come back on a cooler day.
Back home, I read that old Courant article, whose title asks, “Why All This Devotion to a Cemetery?” I read about how a troop of volunteers sloshed through thick mud here, in the rain, toting dogwood saplings and generous heaps of bulbs for a day of planting, along with their pitchforks and shovels. A local elder I know, Kathy, was “deep into a huge rhododendron . . . rain dripping off the tip of her nose.” Across the cemetery, a father and his kids picked up sticks near where the father’s dad and grandmother are buried.
In learning about the cemetery’s devotees, I encounter a fresh brand of joy, different from my morning among the plants. It comes from recognizing admirable, bright-faced persistence in my fellow humans, and along with it comes a needed dose of hope. The article recounts how the place had fallen into neglect, and how a women’s club made the overgrown cemetery their ambitious bicentennial project back in the 1970s, hauling out countless truckloads of brush. People donated plants; some men turned a hopelessly mucky area into the now well-defined pond where the cattails thrive. Around that time, one of the cemetery’s directors wrote the book about the soldiers, clearing an unexpected path to the orchids for Donald and Dorothy.
I make it back to Winthrop Cemetery a couple of weeks later, just as a rainy morning starts to clear. Not far from the Norway spruces on the shadier end of the orchid plot, I am delighted to find that a young orchid has breached its enclosure, starting life a few feet away. Someone has hastily fashioned a rope surround, to be sure the lawnmower, or wayward feet, don’t do it in.
I don’t stay quite as long on this visit, but, oh, how this pioneer orchid gives me a dose of anticipation and joy. I like knowing it lives not far from me, a gift in itself but also a living memorial to Donald, Dorothy, and the folks who revived this place, and all the tender care they offered. I know I’ll be back to check on its progress.
Author’s Note: Research and writing were made possible with support from the Connecticut Office of the Arts, which also receives funding from the National Endowment for the Arts, a federal agency.
Katherine Hauswirth writes about nature, often with a spiritual bent. She has been a writer in residence at Trail Wood in Connecticut, at Acadia National Park in Maine, and with the Orchard Keeper Writers Residency in Tennessee. Her essay collection, The Book of Noticing: Collections and Connections on the Trail (Homebound Publications, 2017), won honorable mention for general nonfiction in ASJA’s 2018 contest. Her new book, The Morning Light, The Lily White: Daily Dips into Nature and Spirit, was published in 2023 with Shanti Arts.
Kelly Magee
extinction behavior: wine
what’s left of wine gives
boiled raisin, maraschino
sickness, grapefruit pudding,
honied wildfire. grape
that plays cloy and cotton
on the tongue. reluctant prune
with sugar cube. letch
in cerulean corvette.
this last dying indulgence
refuses to forgive the lifetimes
I spent lost in guzzle,
overflowing and dozy
in the amnesiac ambrosia
of dumb, drunken
abundance. I’m sorry.
the swollen oceans
haunt me. they can’t keep themselves
from forbidden elixir either.
god, how the melt
must’ve roused them.
the ravenous, angry thirst.
even now, I can’t pretend
I’d choose temperance
over a cold shot
of glacier if it promised
some witless relief. I’m weak,
and what’s left to my cup
is soldered sugar, fruited
pickle, caramelized spoil.
so drink. drink because
you’ll never finish
the last bottle. drink
for the juiced arctic and swallowed
shore. for the exhausted
soil, and exhausted growers,
and exhausted, tender
apologies. for the
fermentation of future.
for the final grapes, frantically
sweetening in the sun.
Kelly Magee is the author of the story collections Body Language and The Neighborhood, as well as several collaborative books of poetry and prose. Her work has appeared in Granta, Gulf Coast, TriQuarterly, Booth, Kenyon Review, and others. She teaches creative writing and queer studies at Western Washington University.
Evie McKenna
Evie McKenna is an artist/filmmaker whose main subjects are the botanical world and optics. She is an arts educator, environmental activist and steward of land in Sullivan County, NY. She studied photography at Philadelphia College of Art and NYU/ICP, getting both a BFA and MA in the field. Her work has been exhibited widely and her short animations have screened internationally in recent years, including the Bruges Film Festival in 2023. Website: www.eviemckenna.com / Instagram: @evie.mckenna.studio
J Carraher
the emerald rainbow
with lids drawn flat against
the desert sun over eyes
that after these things looked
& beheld a door standing open,
the only one you’ve known
in a world of mothers
reaches her right hand to heaven,
pinning squares to a velvet sky
where cracks become stars
receding to daylight.
she dreams of coronets
eight colt-hooves trotting unshod
through fields of foxglove & swordfern,
of tea poured cup-to-cup,
holes dug into soft earth, hyssop
her fingers planted or pinched,
of the time she put her head against
hard ground just to feel
the humming of bees
inside her left ear.
J Carraher is a San Francisco Bay Area writer whose recent work appears in such venues as Relief Journal, Sunspot Lit, Stanza Cannon, Cirque, Footnote and others. She studied folklore at UC Berkeley, holds a Master’s of Science from UCSF and works as a medical sociologist, editor and lecturer.
Talia Borochaner
Peregrinate
I pack up cardboard boxes. Tight and too heavy to realistically carry alone, masking tape haphazardly applied. In the kitchen, I find the cast iron my mother gave me. It is sticky and heavy. Though I have no recipes written by hand, passed down, pressed palm into palm as some girls are given.
But I do have memories — small hauntings. Two small circular scars on my forearm from boiling water. The practiced dance of crushing herbs in the palm of my hands. The smell of apple cake on the counter — only a gift for honored guests. Setting prayer books on the table. Pouring rosé into crystal cups and then quick secret sips into my mouth. The smell of the lavender dish soap saturated into the washcloths crocheted by the women who came before me.
Talia Borochaner works during the day as a 9th grade Literature teacher. However, at night, she works as a dreamer and poet. Her work has been previously published in Ovunque Siamo.
Anna Maughan
After the Acheron
We left the river dazed
and tired from swimming, clambering, slipping.
The rain started. Almost exactly 5pm, Akis was right.
Already soaked from mythical waters,
we walked happily back to the car
where we stripped off and put our dry clothes on,
too spaced out to really care who saw us.
We opened the crisps as we set off,
still hoping to picnic, but the rain
got heavier, thunder rolled,
the gods were waking up.
We pulled into a layby and grabbed
sandwiches from the picnic bag.
Stood in the rain by the pale aqua river,
opposite a half-finished villa,
glassless windows watching, patient as a skull.
My bare feet were gritty on the wet roadside
but I was so happy it didn’t matter,
and neither did my bruises
from being caught in the current
on the rocks.
I opened a beer. The rain got harder,
lightning flashed across the sky.
We couldn’t stop talking
about where we’d been, what
we’d done, we couldn’t stop smiling.
Anna Maughan lives in Bristol, UK. She believes in the redemptive power of hope and the importance of open and honest discourse around the subject of mental health. Her writing is informed by her own struggles with C-PTSD as well as chronic pain and illness. Her kids have saved her life countless times. She has been published by Apricot Press, Ink & Marrow, and Ink Sweat and Tears. Website: basementofmybrain.co.uk / Instagram: @basement_of_my_brain
Rich Spang
Rich Spang is a self-taught photographer who has studied history of photography and works of the greatest landscape and street photographers. Instagram: @spangrich
Hank Cunnington
Hank Cunnington is a transgender queer indie artist and poet living with his fiancé in eastern Washington. He can be found reading or crocheting with his dogs Harley and Blossom, and his cat, Shrimp. His poetic works have previously appeared in JAKE Magazine. He can be found on Instagram and X @artistbriefcase.
Emily Rose Miller
The Conversation
I’m looking at the sky when I say it, the faint stars staring at me with wide, unblinking eyes. It’s the same way they stared the first time he touched me—distant watchers, detached and only mildly interested. I still love you, I say. I will always love you—I think you entered my body and then never left. He sighs. Checks to see if the stars are listening. The tilt of his chin and the wind ruffling the ends of his brown hair reminds me of our time dancing along the cliffs of Deception Pass. The irony of the name was lost on me then. It doesn’t matter now.
Three thousand miles away and a decade later here we sit, an arsonist and a suffocator, a firework and a foggy day. For a brief moment we were a perfect sixty-degree evening, not a cloud in the sky. Now the humid Florida air sticks under my nose.
I stare at him, and he looks out over the quietly rippling lake we sit above, dry on the dock. Say something, I say. Say anything, just acknowledge me. But he only slots a hand in the water and swishes it around. He didn’t mean to be deceptive when we touched all those years ago—I don’t even think he knew he was keeping his not-feelings from me. Still, realizing our loves were different didn’t hurt any less for all his good intentions.
It doesn’t matter now, the water says as the sound of it sloshes up to my ears. You can hold on forever and he can choose to never remember. You’re both just doing your best to love; he will love you by never hurting you again and you will love him by holding every past self he leaves behind in his reckless running.
He lifts his hand from the lake and shakes off the drops of water; they sound something like the unfolding of a peace lily when they splash back in, and something like finality’s hard tin clink. The stars look away and that’s that.
Emily Rose Miller graduated magna cum laude from Saint Leo University in 2020 with her BA in English and is currently earning her MFA in poetry at the University of Central Florida. Her work has been published in Saw Palm and Cagibi Lit, among other places. Find her online at emilyrosemiller.com or on Instagram @emily.rose.miller.